what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
