I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
i've created a new STD.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
