y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
