Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
