I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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