my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Small penises have feelings too.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
