I faked an abortion last night.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
