she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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