I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
