Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
