Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
