While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
