when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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