fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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