I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
