I CAN MOONWALK!
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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