Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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