apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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