thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
