im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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