I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
this beer tastes like vomit already
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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