mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
