i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
