yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
