we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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