random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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