Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
me + whiskey = a bad person
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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