God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
