Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
