no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
