Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
