I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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