ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
