I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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