Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
