I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
