we have pet lesbian snakes
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
