I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
