but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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