so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
