my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
