Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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