you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
