We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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