I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
