no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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