You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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