Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
