Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
