sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
