R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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