This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
i need some magic done to my vagina
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
we're so committed to being not committed
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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